Without the Tiger
by lousiemcdoogle
Summary: Another Limey fix-it fic. After that episode, all I wanted to do was chain them together and force them to talk, without interruption. This is the result.
1. Chapter 1

**Another Limey fix-it fic. After that episode, all I wanted to do was chain them together and force them to talk, without interruption. Through the magic of fanfiction, I was able to do just that, and this was the result. This is not a case fic, so if you're looking for a good, plotty whodunit, you'll need to go elsewhere. I've tried my best to keep their conversation and reactions in character, and I'd love to know if you think I've managed that. Having said that, I'm still pretty new to this whole posting fics for other people to read thing, so please be gentle?**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. **

This time it was Castle who woke first. As the first stirrings of consciousness pulled him from the fog of sleep, he became aware of the warmth of someone curled into his left shoulder as he lay on his back, both his hand and hers- not that it occurred to him that the person could be anything other than a her, but some of her body shape was pressed right into him, too, leaving him in no doubt as to the gender of the other person- were resting on his chest somewhere over his heart. Their hands were not touching, rather resting side by side, her fingers lightly bunching the fabric of his shirt. He turned his head in order to get his bearings, knowing that he was not in his own room without needing to open his eyes, and in one inhale identified the woman next to him. Cherries. He smiled slightly, and relaxed for just a moment, relishing the feeling of her curled tightly into him, and nearly choosing to drift back to sleep- only something wasn't right. He moved his left hand lightly- not too far, as he didn't want to move her from his shoulder, but his fingers sought the barest brush of hers to assure himself she was real, and it was then that he felt the familiar weight of handcuffs tethering them together. A sense of disappointment washed through him as he cracked open his eyes and raised his head to confirm what he had felt. Yep, handcuffs. He turned his attention to the woman lying next to him, nose pressed into his arm, curls falling across her peaceful face. She had the slightest smile playing around her mouth, and his heart flipped over at the sight. He began to reach his right hand across to brush those curls back, but stopped midway as reality rushed back to him.

_I'm __not __in __love __with __her __any__more_, he reminded himself firmly, squeezing his hand into a fist and dropping it back to his side. Suddenly, her proximity was suffocating- she felt too wonderful pressed up against him, but he had to remind himself it wasn't real. They had managed to get themselves kidnapped and cuffed together again, only this time he had no hope that she cared for him as anything other than a friend, and the similarity to so many of his fantasies coupled with his knowledge that she wasn't interested was a cruel blow. He tensed, looking around him for a way to extricate himself from both their proximity and their predicament, and his movement was enough to stir his partner. Rather than rolling away from him as he expected her to do, she shifted closer to him, burying her face even further into his arm.

"Castle," she sighed, her voice deliciously content, and the smile playing about her mouth got that little bit wider. His heart clenched at the sound, and he wondered bitterly how long he had been waiting to hear his name on her lips in quite that way. Hardening his heart, he took a moment to make sure his mask of indifference was up before shrugging his shoulder not quite gently. Rather than forcing her head away from him, she scrunched up her eyes tightly and landed her head back in its previous position. "Donwannagedup," she mumbled, and deliberately pressed her nose back into his arm, her hand clutching his shirt determinedly now.

"Beckett, wake up," he said firmly, in his I'm-no-longer-your-puppy voice, and she froze for just an instant, that little smile around her mouth dropping away as reality arrived. He had been so warm and cosy and Castle, and as she had drifted into consciousness she had been revelling in the smell and feel of the man she had missed even as he had been constantly beside her. Hearing that note in his voice, though, had crushed the delicious daydream she had been enjoying of pulling him towards her for morning cuddles... and maybe something more. She lifted her head, opened her eyes, curls tumbling over her face and shoulders. She lifted the hand that had been gripping his shirt like a life line to push her curls back, and it was only then that she noticed the handcuffs. She glared at them for a moment, doing everything she could to suppress the groan that threatened to erupt.

"Really?" she asked drily, tugging slightly on the cuffs as she arranged herself on her stomach, propped up on her elbows, casually moving so they were no longer touching but making it look like she was taking in her surroundings.

He was getting really proud of himself for how often he was nailing the detached tone. "Don't look at me, I only woke up a few moments before you did."

Kate used her uncuffed hand to finally push her curls away. "I know I said next time we'd do this without the tiger, but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind," she muttered, scanning the room for possible means of escape. Castle pulled himself into a sitting position, managing to not tug too much on the cuffs while he was at it- giving him the perfect excuse to be facing in the complete opposite direction of Beckett.

"What did you have in mind?" his tone lacked all innuendo, made him sound like he was discussing the weather with a stranger on the Subway. She looked at him for a long moment, one eyebrow raised, and regardless of their current situation, she couldn't help but tease him a little.

"You're the writer, you figure it out," she sent him a look that a month ago would have had him tongue-tied, but today he just looked at her blandly, as if he were only humouring her to be polite, leaving her feeling foolish and awkward. "Of course, that was before," she mumbled to herself, fighting to sit up next to him so she could focus on getting them out of there- away from each other and this new awkwardness that surrounded them. So that she wasn't lying down next to him, vulnerable and exposed.

"Before?" there was a challenge in his tone. She glanced at him then, and could feel the hurt and anger radiating from him, the same way it had been for the last few weeks. She felt her heart crumble a little more, and drew her knees up under her chin as a shield, dropping her eyes away again.

"Before you stopped caring," she whispered, hating herself for that little hitch in her voice.

He snorted. "That's rich, coming from you."

Her head jerked up as if he had physically slapped her. "Wh-what does that mean?" she stuttered, her honest confusion fuelling his anger. He turned blazing eyes on her.

"It means at least I cared to begin with," he began heatedly, then clamped his mouth shut and looked away, obviously having given away far more than he had planed to.

She felt winded. She couldn't breath. He was suffocating her with his anger, his indifference, his hatred. She had honestly thought he understood. Silence stretched between them as she fought the panic rising in her chest. She blinked back the tears threatening to fill her eyes, instinctively preventing herself from becoming even more vulnerable to the one man she had no defences against.

"How could you even think that?" she finally whispered, wanting desperately to run from this conversation, from him, but for once having no possible means of escape.

"You're the detective, you figure it out," he replied flippantly, not even glancing at her.

"Castle," she growled his name in warning, and he looked at her as if he hadn't a clue why she was pulling out her Detective Beckett voice. She closed her eyes tightly, and forced herself to continue the conversation. At least they were actually talking about this. _Dr.__Burke __would __be __proud_, she thought humourlessly. "What makes you think I don't care about you?" she asked as calmly as she could, only opening her eyes after her question.

A muscle jerked in his jaw, and she could see several answers to her question were floating around his brain, fighting with each other as he took a moment to choose his words. She just wished she knew what those answers were. Finally, his shoulders slumped in defeat, and while the sight broke her heart, it was also the first time she had seen him be real, be her Castle, in weeks, and a corner of her soul rejoiced.

"What else was I supposed to think?" He drew a knee up to his chest, unconsciously mirroring her position as they sat side by side, handcuffed together on a dingy mattress. She kept silent, willing him to keep talking, to explain his behaviour, even if every word hurt her. He looked up at her then, the full weight of his heartbreak visible in his eyes, and once again she felt the breath crush out of her lungs. When had his heartbreak become hers? "You remember," he said simply, and as realisation and horror dawned on her face, he continued, the hurt bleeding into the anger he had felt almost constantly for the past weeks. "You remember, and you lied to me. And it wasn't because it was too traumatic for you to talk about, Kate, because you had no problem bringing it up with the pickpocket in the bombing case. You seemed pretty comfortable using it as an interrogation technique."

She closed her eyes, pressed her forehead against her knees as she felt her world crash down around her. No wonder he was mad. It all made perfect sense now. And she had no idea how to fix it. He watched her absorb his words, not feeling any joy or relief at the knowledge that she now knew. Once again, a silence stretched between them, both of them lost in their own thoughts. He was determined not to be the one to break it this time, and she was searching desperately for words. She couldn't apologise, that would be too little too late, and would sound trite after everything he had been through. She couldn't explain, she simply didn't possess the words. She could think of nothing that didn't ring of excuses for her own inexcusable behaviour. And while she knew his behaviour hadn't been any better, she knew that his were in reaction to some very valid feelings of betrayal on her part. Finally, she realised one offering she could give him, even if he couldn't accept it right now, it was the one truth she could offer him that might eventually help them find a path of recovery. Taking a deep breath, she mustered all her remaining courage, and spoke, her words muffled into her knees.

"For what it's worth, I didn't lie because I don't care."

He simply looked at her, waiting. She raised her head and met his eyes. "There are a million things I could say to excuse it, and they all made perfect sense at the time-some of them were even valid- but the truth is, they are excuses."

Silence descended again as she waited for him to respond. He opened his mouth, shut it again. Finally, looking anywhere but at her, he managed to grind out the question that had been driving him mad for weeks.

"I know you care, Kate, I'm not calling that into question. I know we're friends. But couldn't you have just told me I didn't have a chance instead of stringing me along all this time? You knew how I felt about you. Couldn't you have just given me a lets-just-be-friends speech to let me know where I stand, instead of letting me follow you around like a fool, hoping you'd come around?"

His entire posture spoke of defeat. Desperate to comfort him, she tentatively reached her cuffed hand over to his and very lightly brushed his fingers with her own. He jerked at the contact, balled his hand into a fist, but didn't move it away. Growling with frustration at her own inability to form coherent sentences, something in her snapped, and in that moment, she leapt.

"Dammit, Castle, how do you still not get that I'm in love with you?"

He blinked in surprise, and looked at her, uncomprehending. "You... you're what?"

"In love with you." She was glaring at him, daring him to refute it. She watched as comprehension dawned slowly, and with it, hope.

"But you lied..." he was puzzling it out. Her glare darkened into something slightly more serious.

"Yeah, well so did you," she began heatedly, then snapped her mouth shut, as if she hadn't meant to reveal so much.

"Me? When did I lie?" Something that looked an awful lot like guilt flashed in his eyes.

She looked away from him then, and when she finally spoke, it was so quiet he almost didn't hear her.

"You said always. You said always, and you made me believe you. And then you stopped waiting."

Oh.

She kept talking, the floodgates open now. "I was so close to being ready, Castle. I was hoping that when you said you wanted to talk after the bombing case, you'd say it again. I was hoping that you saying it again would give me the courage to finally say it back to you. I was hoping that if you knew that, maybe you'd understand why I lied, and then maybe finding out I'd lied wouldn't hurt you after all, once you knew I how I felt, too. And now all I've done is prove that the only thing I'm good at when it comes to meaningful relationships is screw them up with my issues."

"Kate," he whispered, scooting around to face her, to try to be closer to her, to offer her comfort, her words penetrating his armour. "Don't you get it? I want your issues. I want your brokenness. I want to be there and walk with you as you heal. It's all I've ever wanted. It was you who shut me out. What was I supposed to think?"

"Do you?" she responded in a very small voice.

"What?" he asked, confused. She seemed to be plucking at the fabric on her knee.

"Do you still want my issues? I mean, it makes me the total opposite of fun and uncomplicated, and I wish so badly that I could be that person for you, but I can't be."

Using his non-cuffed hand, he reached across and tipped her chin up gently so she could meet his eyes. It was the first physical contact he had initiated since before the bombing.

"Fun and uncomplicated is fake and boring," he said, eyes crinkling at the corners. She nearly wept with joy and relief when she saw his smile lurking back there. "I fell in love with real a long time ago, and God help me, I can't turn it off, no matter how hard I try."

Her lips quivered into a shy smile, and he answered it with one of his own.

"Are we going to be ok?" she asked, for once not caring about disguising the need in her voice. She frowned as he sat back again, creating space between them again. The burden that had been lifted so briefly seemed to settle even more heavily on my shoulders.

"I hope so. I think we will be. But Kate, while we're clearing the air, there's something I need to tell you, too."


	2. Chapter 2

**So here we go, the second and final chapter. Thank you so much for reading. Once again, please (gently) let me know what you think?**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing. **

"Castle, you can tell me anything," she began, but he silenced her with a look.

"We both know that's not true, Kate. There's one subject that no matter how I approach it, there will always be explosions and ramifications."

Kate swallowed. "You mean... my Mom?"

He nodded. She felt her emotions bubbling up inside of her at the briefest mention of the topic, and she looked away, taking a deep, steadying breath. Catching herself, she twisted her mouth into what could almost be described as a self-depreciating smile, and she nodded, conceding his point.

"I've been in therapy, you know," she said suddenly. "Since the shooting. I've been working on getting past her case, on trying to actually live my life, and becoming a whole person again, so I could move forward. Be the person you deserve."

He reached his cuffed hand out to close over hers. "One of these days, I hope I get to convince you that even at your lowest, you're still infinitely more than I can ever hope to deserve."

She squeezed his fingers back, and cleared her throat a little. "Did what you have to tell me have to do with my Mom's case?"

He nodded, and she shut her eyes, taking in a deep breath. Her fingers were all but crushing his now, but he didn't mind- at least she wasn't running. Yet.

"You've been looking into it again, haven't you?"

He moved so he could look directly into her eyes, reaching up his free hand to gently caress her cheek, forcing her eyes to flutter open and look into his.

"Do you trust me, Kate?" he asked gently. She took a steadying breath, truly thinking about his question before giving him a slight nod. She trusted him more than she trusted anyone- with her life.

"Do you understand that I would do anything to keep you safe? Even if it meant you hated me or never spoke to me again. Do you understand that I would gladly have taken that bullet for you, that I would take a thousand bullets if it meant you were alive and safe?" his tone was still gentle and soft, but his eyes held an intensity she had never seen. She took her lower lip into her mouth, worrying it with her teeth, unshed tears burning behind her eyes at the thought of him taking a bullet. She didn't answer for a moment, all her energy going into gasping air into her lungs. She desperately wanted to look away, to hide from his steady blue gaze, but he was so close, waiting patiently for her to respond. Finally, she nodded. The intensity of his gaze gentled slightly, turning into something that closely resembled sorrow, and he cupped her cheek.

"Can you understand that I saw you die, that I felt your blood flowing between my fingers? That I saw the beautiful light in your eyes go dim? That if I had a way of preventing that from ever happening again, I would do it, no matter what the cost?"

A tear spilled down her cheeks this time, but her nod was quicker, more ready.

"Then hopefully you'll understand why, shortly after we returned to the precinct, when I got a phone call from a man calling himself Smith, who told me Montgomery had sent him some files that had information enough to keep them at bay, so long as you stopped investigating- hopefully, you can understand why I never told you until now. Why I asked you to stop."

Her eyes dropped away from his, finally, and he leaned back, dropping his hand from her face, giving her space to process.

"I thought you were going to tell me you've been looking into the case on your own again," she said finally, glancing back up at his face. She froze when she saw his expression. "You have, haven't you?"

"What was I meant to do, Kate? You told me, that day on the swings, you couldn't get into a relationship while it was unsolved, but if I told you and you investigated, you'd be straight back in the cross hairs. Tell me what I was meant to do?"

"Couldn't you just tell me?" she began, but he shook his head.

"All these months later, you're still only inches away from that rabbit hole. When I got that phone call, you were teetering on the precipice. Telling you would have sent you over, and you know it."

"It's my case, Castle. My Mom's, and mine. I had a right to know."

"And I always planned on telling you- when I knew you were in a place where you could hear it without it sending you over the edge."

A thought occurred to her, and unthinkingly she reached out and grabbed his arm, her fingers digging into his skin, her eyes wide with a very real fear.

"What if they came after you, Castle? You said I had to back off or they would come after me, but I have a badge and a gun. You don't. You have no way of protecting yourself. What if they'd come after you?"

A muscle worked in his jaw. He already knew she wasn't going to like his answer. "I've already told you, I'm prepared to do anything to keep you safe."

"What about Alexis? She's nearly the same age I was when..."

He closed his eyes. The thought was not a new one, although he usually pushed it away. She wasn't done, though.

"...And Martha? It would break her. And me. Castle, I... I've lost so many people to this. Almost everyone I've ever loved. If I lost you, too... it would finish me," she finally said.

"You would at least be alive. You're strong, Kate. You'd get past it, and you'd help my mother and Alexis to get past it, too."

She shook her head adamantly. "No. No more. We've lost enough to this, Castle. You need to stop. You need to promise me you'll stop."

He took a deep breath. "What about not being able to be in a relationship until it's solved?"

He could tell she was thinking, weighing her thoughts and emotions, struggling through the mire that had sucked her under thirteen years ago and held her captive ever since.

"If they put a bullet in you, there's no point in getting better," she whispered, looking up at him. His mouth twisted into a wry smile.

"So, what? You continue your crusade alone? End up in a sniper's scope again? I'm not going to let that happen, Kate."

"What if we both stopped, for now? And if it comes up again- and it will, this case does that. It's going to happen. So if it comes up again, we'll face it together. Partners."

This time his smile reached his eyes. "Partners."

"And in the mean time..." she began hesitantly, resettling herself next to him, both facing the same way, her hand across her lap resting lightly in his.

"In the mean time?" he prompted, eyes twinkling at her. She felt herself blushing.

"I reckon that wall of mine is about knee-height right now."

He bumped her shoulder. "Really? So it'd be enough to just step over it?"

"If you still want to, that is," she was looking up at him through her eyelashes in that way that drove him positively batty. And then she bit her lip. And she was twisting a lock of hair with her free hand, flirtatious and nervous and adorable and sexy and he wanted her so much, it was all he could do to not groan out loud. His voice was a good octave lower as he replied, leaning into her space. Her eyes fluttered down to his lips and back up again.

"Always."

The door at the far end of the room flew open.

"Beckett? Castle?" Esposito and Ryan entered, weapons drawn, automatically sweeping and clearing the room before holstering their weapons and approaching their friends.

"Guys! Hey, how'd you find us?"

"You didn't check in after lunch like you said you were going to, so we followed you to the suspect's address, and here you are," Ryan explained.

"The door wasn't even locked. There was nothing preventing you from leaving," Esposito added.

Beckett held up their cuffed hands. "Got your key there, Espo?"

The other two detectives were both smirking, but wisely held their tongues as Esposito unlocked the hand cuffs. Castle and Beckett stood slowly, stretching their muscles out as they clambered awkwardly off the mattress, and then followed the boys out of the house and out into the sun light. It wasn't until they were in Beckett's Crown Vic headed back to the station that Castle finally broke the silence.

"At least you kept your promise about there being no tiger. But next time..."

Here she cut him off. "Please, Castle. Next time will be in the privacy of one or other of our homes, the door will be locked, and there will be a lot less clothing involved," she said matter of factly. His jaw dropped, eyes glazing over momentarily. She smirked at him, raised one eyebrow before looking back at the traffic, revelling in them being ok, in being able to put all her cards on the table and still being able to mess with him at the other end. She decided to push it one step further, just because she now knew she could- this really was going to happen.

"If you're really, really, lucky, though, I might be able to summon up a little inner tiger of my own, just for old time's sake."


End file.
